Illinois State Redbirds Win March Madness 2015!

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In the unlikeliest of storylines, #299th ranked Men’s College Basketball team, The Illinois State Redbirds have won March Madness! Coming into this season, the Crazy Redbirds from Normal, Illinois were favored to win March Madness with a 900 trillion to 1 odds, which isn’t great odds. But some die hard Redbird fans like Mike Daluga and Billy Baloney had faith in their team and now Vegas owes them 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 dollars. Vegas is pretty upset about the outcome and it is expected to bankrupt the entire state of Nevada and all the casinos.
Mike Daluga: “I am so freaking happy! This is for Al Bowman and Osiris! For all the Redbirds slamming Natty’s! I have so much money now that I think I will just buy the entire United States and all of Europe and some rockets and missiles and hang.”

To even make March Madness, Illinois State had to win Arch Madness in St. Louis, where Northern Iowa and Wichita State were heavily favored.

Daishon Knight and Reggie Lynch told me that they woke up one morning after smoking some bong hits and were like, “Why don’t we stop smoking for awhile, dominate basketball and win March Madness, get super rich and party like ballers?”

Well they did not lose since they were sober. They made Evansville look like pansies in 1st Round of Arch Madness, then throttled Northern Iowa with some sneaky plays. Their sneak plays involved hiring a fan to look like the other team’s coach and make bad calls on purpose for the other team.

They were rewarded with the 14th seed in March Madness where they made six other teams look like little bitches including Kansas, Arizona, Virginia, Gonzaga, Duke and Kentucky in the finals! Al Bowman is expected to do 69 keg stands in celebration!

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DJ SUMI KHAN TO HEADLINE PERRY’s STAGE!

World renowned in secretive cults around the world, DJ KHAN has been reported to be playing at Lolla 2015 in Chicago this summer each night at the Perry’s stage. She has been described by her rivals and friends as someone who “throws down hard as fuck. She is a goddess reincarnated a three toed sloth. She makes me trip so hard and see the new world”.

sumi

DJ KHAN promises to make her show the best show of all time. Expect David Bowie to make a guest appearance as well as numerous bottle rocket fireworks in the air. KHAN got famous in the underground DJ scene in Lebanon and Azerbaijan with her remixes of Kesha and Creed. Her big song is titled, “Don’t Fuck with da Khan”.

She is also known to bring jetpacks everywhere she goes. This is a huge signing for LOLLA!

Leaked Riot Fest 2015 Lineup!

Hello everyone, I got confirmation from my editors of some leaked artists that will be playing at Riot Fest 2015 this summer! The lineup is pretty effing amazing. So here goes.

1) Rush

2) System of a Down

3) Modest Mouse

4) Tool

5) Green Day

6) David Bowie

7) GWAR

8) Simple Plan

9) Matchbox Romance

10) Incubus

11) Jimmy Eat World

12) Sum 41

13) The Who

14) Avenged Sevenfold

15) 311

Interesting Facts about Damir “Q”

1) Damir is more Bosnian than Rosa Parks, Chuck Norris and Peyton Manning combined!!!!

2) Damir has done over 105 Jackie Chan moves!

3) Damir has consumed over 250 calories from Mickey’s!

4) Damir could defeat over 50 rabbits in a fight!

5) Damir has never been to North Korea

6) Damir is not allergic to tilapia

7) Damir loves Leona Lewis

8) Damir knows a guy who can get things.plus $10

9) Damir is the chillest guy in Sarajevo History

10) Damir killed the Loch Ness Monster

11) Damir thinks Pepsi is dumb.

12) Damir is mad they don’t sell Coke with Lime anymore

13) Damir eats more than a gerbil!

14) Damir can speak English!

15) Damir is related to both of his parents!

Steve Pflanz’s Favorite Bands

Local Biologist and Stem Cell research enthusiast, Steve Pflanz has gained notoriety and prestige with how cool and hip he has remained over the years. While other people get sucked into the new, lame bands, Pflanz doesn’t get sucked into these trends as he is a firm believer in quality music. Like he said in his Sci-Fi biography, “So many people listen to dumb music, but I listen to the realist music out there. Music is meant to make you rage and feel angry as if your heart is going to beat out of your ribcage. Like a viper eating its prey. The raw, uncensored energy.”

Here is a pic of Steve Pflanz.

Here is a pic of Steve Pflanz.

If you want to listen to bands that would make you cooler and as a result, you will live a more fulfilling life, then take note:

  1. Chevelle- According to Pflanz, “Chevelle is orgasmic!!! If you don’t listen to Chevelle, what are you f&&^&*&&*& doing with your life? I’m just kidding but seriously! The Red is narly”
  2. Tool- “Ironically, if you listen to Tool, you are not a tool. This band makes me want to play with hammers and smash walls.
  3. Chemical Brothers- “The only electronic band worth listening to. It’s like I am floating in a cloud of pizza. These are the most realist and illest electronica out there. Listen to them.”
  4. Rage Against the Machine- “I rage harder than anyone to them! I think I grow 3 inches when I mosh pit. Intense!”
  5. Linkin Park-“They are rad”
  6. Radiohead-“This band is aaaahhhh aaaahhh like omg ethereal! It’s like music in your ears. Wow.”
  7. GWAR-“RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DINOSAURS!!!!! KILL EVERYONE”
  8. 311-“So chill. I want to drink a 312 and listen to 311.”
  9. Metallica-“THEY GO HARD AS F&&^&%^&”
  10. The Offspring-“I honestly hate people who never listened to the Offspring! I mean, they are only like the best punk rock band of the 90’s. Smash was like the 1st album I grew up listening to. If you don’t listen to them, you suck.”

The New Face of ISIS

BREAKING NEWS:

Through extensive interrogation of Al-Qaeda terrorists, the US Government have found out that there is an American mole leaking confidential secrets to Pakistan and Israel and Syria. He is a Jewish refugee who hates America because he wasn’t voted “Best Hair” in high school and lost in Mario Kart to Yoshi.

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Here is a picture of this Jewish Fro-ed American ISIS Terrorist living somewhere suspected in the Midwest. Also pictured are most likely his cronies who make the C4 and deal heroin and harpoon whales.

If you or anyone you know have any information about the whereabouts of this deranged Jew Fro and of his real identity, then please call the FBI or the police immediately.

A handsome reward will be issued to any good leads.

He is very dangerous. Nobody knows much about him.

T Swift Homie Gets on the Board

If you are anybody in this world, then you know what League of Legends is and that is  basically the greatest fucking thing ever made. Can it get better than minions and dragons and all that? No it cannot. Well if you have been following professional League Players as you should, then you would know that Team Curse is one of the best teams in North America. Team Curse rarely ever show mercy when they face an inferior foe and completely dismantle whomever they face, unless they are facing the robotic Asians. The amount of magic damage that Team Curse has dealt to opponents is a large number. They killed the dragon many times.

So you would expect Team Curse to dominate shitty opponents in random friendlies. If you have never heard of the summoner, T Swift Homie, that’s because he sucks at League and is basically a goddamn troll. If you look at his stats, you will see they are awful. His kill-ratio is terrible and apparently he doesn’t get much better with playing. You can see he has no idea what the hell he is building with his items, all armor Dr.Mundo seven games in a row? All attacking Sona? Plus he has been reported by his teammates for not helping out in battles as he wanders around the forest lost and trying to kill wolves, and ultimately failing.

Team Curse had a big tourney game coming up and wanted to play someone easy to boost their confidence so they sent a challenge to T Swift Homie who accepted it. The game was set for a 5 on 5 match and Team Curse were all pros remember. T Swift Homie’s other teammates were his other drunk stoner friends who rarely have good internet connection to play and often lag and do questionable things. Well T Swift Homie chose first and picked ADC Sona and chose the emo gothic skin. The rest of his team chose four other support while Team Curse chose normal positions.

As the game started, Team Curse went up 15 kills in the 1st 5 minutes using wit and strategy and mashings of the button and W. They must have better mouses or computers complained T Swift Homie as he fell into the booby trap again and got killed with one hit. His team lacked team chemistry and they all sucked. They were so bad that nobody on the team got a single minion kill because Team Curse was too good.

In the 33rd minute, Sona made a bold move. While her other teammates were in battle, she teleported to the jungle and hid in the bushes for 10 minutes to avoid capture. When the coast was clear, she made her way out and started attacking one of the wolves. It took 23 seconds before she killed it and Team Curse had no idea what just happened. The minion steal of the century. Sure she died from the other wolf right after but she got the only minion kill of the day. Team Curse won 3 minutes later without dying.

T Swift Homie is on the rise.