In a shocking manner, the shitty and oddball group of newspaper lovers, New York Times defeated the 69 sweaty illiterate Jaguars. The big reason they won is because black people cannot skate well and there are no black people at the Times.
It turns out Scarlett Johannsen is also a Death Eater and Voldemort’s Death spells did not work on her as she summoned spells of her own to the shock of everyone around.
This will be the first meeting between Scarlett and the New York Times in history and will be a doozy.
Scarlett: “The New York Times are dumb. Who reads newspapers anymore? At least read Penthouse. I need Chipotle”
New York Times: ” WE WILL PLAY OUR HEARTS OFF”
This Stanley Cup Playoffs has been eventful, nostalgic, ethereal and totally blasphemous. There have been goals, murders, controversy and lots of spilled beer during the playoffs. Everything a hockey fan wants. So with their being just four teams left. Let’s take a closer look at the final four teams before they all square off.
The first Semi Final Matchup is Lord Voldemort vs Scarlett Johannsen.
Lord Voldemort is on a tear of late by casting numerous death spells against his opponents. Voldemort had never played hockey as a kid, he was just all about murder when he was young so it is nice to see him thrive in a new sport. His strengths involve murder and espionage and bribery.
His weaknesses are that his skills are tied to his horcruxes and he cannot skate well.
Scarlett Johannsen has been consistent this whole season and racking up a ton of orgasmic goals and won the MVP Award presented by Playboy. Her strengths involve seduction and strip teasing. Her weaknesses involve upper body strength.
The Jacksonville Jaguars face off against the New York Times in the 2nd Semi Final Matchup
The Jaguars will be heavily favored since the Times sucked so badly as of late and have been lucky to make it this far. The Times have been atrocious ever since they lost their starting striker to injury, which was a Color Printer. The Jaguars advantage is they have 100 players on the roster all on steroids. The Jags weaknesses are they are all illiterate and cannot tie their shoes. The Times players are very good at puzzles and Jenga.
Waluigi vs the Jacksonville Jaguars has been hyped for months as the must see matchup of the 2015 Stanley Cup. It featured a villain team in Waluigi and an underdog team in the Jaguars.
Before this game Waluigi set the record for most fouls while Jaguars set the record for most compliments and nicest team. Waluigi has long, lanky legs and loves body checking everyone and giggling like a villain. The Jags are all about peacefully playing and shying away from contact and making friends with everyone.
Waluigi has sent 1,000 players to the ER this season with broken necks, chopped off knee caps and other ailments while the Jags have saved many orphans lives from fires.
Madonna started the game off by singing, “Ice Ice Baby” and then Usher sang the Estonian National Anthem in front of all the people and animals. Waluigi started the game by literally murdering 10 players on the Jaguars with a battle axe he hid from security and went off to an early 55-0 lead.
At halftime, the Jaguars put in Blake Bortles in goal and Justin Blackmon at forward and Denard Robinson who unleashed on Waluigi and pummeled him. The game went to triple OT where Bortles got the game winning Bicycle puck goal off his face mask. The Jags won. Time to celebrate with some Patron.
Some people are novices when it comes down to getting high. Here are some of my tips on how to get really high and do it right.
1) Steal a NASA Spaceship and fly to Saturn- This would cause you to be really, really high, like a billion miles high up in the sky.
2) Climb to the Top of Mt. Rushmore- You will be higher than all of your friends
3) Get a Jetpack and fly to the top of Pineapple tree- You will look down on all the Hawaiians
4) Go on a Ski Lift but do not go down
5) Climb a really tall ladder
6) Take some of Kemba Walker’s skills and jump
7) Climb on top of a Giraffe’s neck
Brontosaurus skin Kemba Walker was flying through the abyss of space and time with Vampire Overlord Denzel Washington. He felt really thirsty for blood and fried chicken. As they were barreling through the dark space, he noticed interesting sights to the sides. He saw a squirrel of a pinkish hue playing the harmonica. The song was super creepy, as if the Devil was making love with a bunny rabbit. The song made Kemba cry as it made him see visions of the future. He heard some lyrics, “Watch out for the yellow frog..eat the red tree…mortal..kill all…moose in the valley”. Then the squirrel disappeared and a large Oak tree appeared with large pinecones and apples hanging from the tree. The tree was very powerful and was sending him a message through telekinesis. The tree sent out its long roots and snagged Kemba and bound him tight.
As he was bound and unable to move, Kemba was unable to breathe and threw up everywhere. The tree seemed to be warning Kemba of some future encounter that he would soon be betrayed and without the weapon made out of buffalo diamonds, all will perish in eternal damnation forever. Kemba felt the roots let up of him and the tree disappeared. Then he heard the Oak Tree whisper in his head, “I will be watching you my fellow creature”.
Kemba Walker was confused and then realized that he had no idea where Denzel Washington was. The tree stopped him from his path in the space portal and now he had no idea where to go but he was really thirsty. He tried to mentally propel himself forward and continue the trek and he started moving again in the darkness. Then a loud CHUH KAAAAAA ERUPTED OUT OF THE BELLOWS BELOW and snagged Kemba Walker in a vicious grip. Then Kemba blacked out.
I am Steve Pflanz and am awesome. Here is a list of things I hate
- Gay Canadians
- Gay Douchebag Marine wearing Sandal fags
- People who don’t know how to classify Rock
- Teams that are not the Blackhawks
- Fair weather fans
- Phillip Rivers
- Tony Homo
- Gay Sex
- North Korea
- People who cannot chill
- People who don’t like The Glitch Mob
- Somali Pirates
- Gay Somali Pirates
- Tigers wearing pink hats
- Jewish Clowns
- Eco Friendly
- Prius Cars
- Getting Hit with a Blue Shell in Mario Kart
- The Packers
- Miley Cyrus
- Getting shot in the head by Dick Cheney
- People with braces
- Southwest Airlines
- Nicholas Cage
- Arbor Day
- People who stutter
- People who don’t think Germany is the greatest
- Lindsay Lohan
- Modest Mouse
- Jew bag cashiers
- Old Friars
- The Chemical Element, Manganese
- Romeo and Juliet Anime
- Yoshi’s Mom
- Macy Gray
- Sweaty Bras
- Women with Beards
- People with gauges
- People with tattoos
- People with piercings
- People who walk funny
- Stupid People
The mysterious cloaked being had an air of confidence about him and looked a lot like Kemba Walker. The man was holding two swords in each hand, each a different color and size. One was Purple, one was Green, one was Invisible and the other leather. He had a battle axe on his back, he was covered in blood. He was missing an ear. He wore an eye patch. There was a boa constrictor in his coat pocket. He had a scar from the top of his head to his chest that was thick. He looked menacing and had sharp teeth. There were daggers coated with poison hidden in each of his boots.
He stepped forward and said that he had been waiting for Kemba Walker and that time is of the essence. He said that his name was Denzel Washington and that he would soon become a big deal. Denzel Washington explained to Kemba that without his help, evil would triumph and all hell will break through. He told him that he is a time traveling vampire who is trying to prevent Sauron from getting his hands on King Arthur’s Crown and other hidden artifacts to turn the galaxy into a web of darkness.
Then Denzel Washington leaped forward and dug his fangs into Kemba Walker. Walker’s eyes bulged and he became crazy and wanted nothing more than blood.
“I will teach you the ropes lad. The first few hours will suck dick.” Then a space portal appeared in front of them and they fell through the abyss into the unknown.
Kemba Walker was feeling pretty damn satisfied from that T Rex blow job he just sustained. He just felt like the Master of the Universe right now. As he was trudging through the Amazon hunting for some food, he started to feel a tingling in his loins and heard some strange voices in his head that sounded scared. He was gnawing at the carcass of a baby brontosaurus when he heard a loud warning in his ear. Kemba Walker felt confused and also compelled to listen to this voice in his head. The voice was guiding him and he felt almost powerless against its will and it took him through new paths he had never gone before. After around 3 hours of walking tirelessly, the voices in his head slowed down and said that he had arrived. Kemba looked around and he was on a beach, which would eventually become Hawaii. He was standing on top of a volcano and the voice told him it was urgent for him to enter the volcano right away! So Kemba turned into his Basketball guise and jumped into the volcano.
He landed in a room full of food and water and some strange devices that Kemba had never seen before. There was also a microscope and a telescope and other space gadgetry although Kemba didn’t know what they were for.
An old record player started playing some Kid Cudi and Kemba felt compelled to get jiggy with it. All of a sudden a huge explosion rocked the Earth and the world fell silent as every single dinosaur and creature on Earth died in a horrifying and painful explosion of fire. Five Hundred meteors hit Earth and destroyed everything but Kemba was safe in the secure Volcano lab.
Then a secret door opened behind the table with the telescope and said, “Hello Kemba Walker”…
Kemba Walker was born during the Jurassic Era in the time of dinosaurs and large alligators. He was born when the cosmos from the sky merged with the velociraptors and then he was created. Kemba was the only human being alive in the Dinosaur Age, although he was not entirely human. Kemba Walker is actually an animorph who adapts extremely well and is able to shed his skin. Walker is not a human, he is actually a Stegosaurus Animus who has shape shifted into the guise of a human. Because he has the cosmos in his body, he was granted the ability to shape shift into a baller.
One day, Stegosaurus Kemba Walker was travelling in Somalia, where there was no pirates yet and spotted a large tree. Walker wanted to get to the top to eat some coconuts but he was really fat and cannot jump. So he got upset and wished he was able to jump like a baller and he shape shifted into Kemba Walker Basketball player and easily jumped the 110 ft to the top of the tree where he ate some coconuts and saved some to try and win some T Rex pussy with it. This was when Kemba Walker realized he was different than the other dinosaurs, like he was invincible. He kept his shape shifting ability a secret and sought out Timberilna the T Rex to offer her some cocounuts in exchange for a blowjob.
A Young Kemba Walker.