Johan the Subtle 2: Prologue

“Hello there Mr. President. I hope you have received my welcome gift”

“What do you want?”

“I think we all know what I want Mr. President! Do not fucking play games with me. I have the cards now. Tread carefully sir.”

“I will not give you what you want! You can rot in hell”

“I already have rotted in hell. Its still better than Cleveland”

“I cannot help you. Now go pester someone else. Its not my problem”

“Yes it is. Until you get me what I want, I will send out the virus that will send the country into a dark age. Then the nukes and dragons will be leashed onto the city, destroying all mankind. I will give you four days for you to get me what I want or I will blow up the world. Once the timer goes down, THEN KABOOOOOOOOOM. And you can only stop the countdown with an Ancient Relic code. Bye bye”

The President took out his hidden phone and called Secretary War General, Armando and told him that it was time to set up a retrieval team for Operation: Bloodhunt. The President hung up and took the crossbow and poison vials from under his desk and drew some coyote blood on his cheeks that he had leftover on his desk. He had to mentally prepare for what he had to do.

He knew that if he didn’t rescue Johan the Subtle from hell, all mankind will be wiped out. Mr. President cleared the 5 foot bong on his desk and finished his bourbon.



Meanwhile 50 million light years under the Earth’s surface..

Large, horny spider demons were crawling through me, violating my essence. Some of them were racist, rascal spider demons and other would sing Luke Bryan songs which made me want to punch a dead squirrel in the balls. Fuck squirrels and their grannies, copeche ese?

My face was a mangly, melted version than it once was as the lava rock monsters raped the flesh on my face. This was not a fun Disney World Theme park like I thought.

The spider demons evaporated and the itching burning went away. A loud Insane Clown posse started blasting over the loud PA system in an ear splitting level. Children’s toys started singing while covered in blood and mocking me. An old dinosaur Beanie Baby was mocking my life, how I was a failure to mankind while an Etch and Sketch was drawing some graphic shit.

Then they all shattered and ripped apart from a booming shell. Dust caked the room as another blast sounded which broke the dim light bulb in the ceiling. 2 more blasts destroyed the last remaining demonic toys. I was perpetually, puzzled and perplexed.

A wispy, demonic ghost appeared from below brandishing an old shotgun. The demon had a faint hat on his translucent skin and was wearing a fancy suit and tie covered in Scotch stains, tar and marinara sauce. He came over to me and inserted his tendrils in me and whispered his thoughts to me. That he is Demon Ghost Al Capone, big bad mafia guy, who is sent to help break Johan the Subtle out of hell with orders from the head honcho.

Demon Ghost Al Capone was my new best friend. Much better friends already than that traitor Doug and my other backstabbing friends.


Gerardo the leprechaun was basking on top of a glorious mountain top, drinking some Pinot Grigio and wearing some killa shades. Gerardo put his dirty feet up on the couch and relaxed. Everything was going his way. Soon the President would meet his demands and he would become the richest and most powerful being in the world.

Gerardo took out his rucksack and rummaged until he found an old box with a dinosaur insignia on the front. The rare dinosaur box was incomplete, it was missing one piece.

Gerardo smoked his crack pipe and put on some Teletubbies and took a nap and dreamed of glory.


Alf flew in the war conference room with the other soldiers. Alf was a warrior like his brother was, who was recently killed. He wanted to get revenge for the death of his brother Giant Fly! And Alf had the connections and was even more powerful than his brother. A staff member of the White House called him that Mr. President was going to enter the Operation: Bloodhunt and to be ready and he thanked his guy for the crucial info. Alf is a secret agent house fly and causes destruction. He purposely activates volcanic eruptions so his off shore companies make bank off the calamities. He wreaks havoc everywhere and directly affects political campaigns in Madagascar. Alf was going to make sure Johan the Subtle never escaped Hell. He was not going to let that traitor responsible for his brother’s death escape. Alf threw an expensive against the wall and it shattered into pieces.


Meanwhile in a frozen, world far, far away. Blood covered the land and people were in mourning. Vlad the Impaler wore a nice suit made out of llama skin that he killed himself. He was at the funeral for the death of his wife and Johan the Subtle’s mother. It was hard being of charge of the Jewish clowns by himself but he was bloodthirsty as ever. The old former Jewish Clown overlord looked dead, as she was not breathing and was placed in an ornate coffin.

Soon after she was getting ready to be placed in the ground Vlad was sad and wanted revenge. A golden, yellow mouse darted past the people grieiving and dug itself in the dirt and bit the dead Queen’s arm. The mouse blew up instantaneously and a large, giant marshmallow man flew out of a time portal. All of a sudden, The Dead Queen started having more life to her and she woke up. She still looked lifeless but she was not a bloodthirsty Jewish Clown Queen Overlord zombie. She was angry.


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