The New York Times and Scarlett Johannsen Meet in Stanley Cup Finals

In a shocking manner, the shitty and oddball group of newspaper lovers, New York Times defeated the 69 sweaty illiterate Jaguars. The big reason they won is because black people cannot skate well and there are no black people at the Times.

It turns out Scarlett Johannsen is also a Death Eater and Voldemort’s Death spells did not work on her as she summoned spells of her own to the shock of everyone around.

This will be the first meeting between Scarlett and the New York Times in history and will be a doozy.

Scarlett: “The New York Times are dumb. Who reads newspapers anymore? At least read Penthouse. I need Chipotle”

New York Times: ” WE WILL PLAY OUR HEARTS OFF”

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