In the unlikeliest of storylines, #299th ranked Men’s College Basketball team, The Illinois State Redbirds have won March Madness! Coming into this season, the Crazy Redbirds from Normal, Illinois were favored to win March Madness with a 900 trillion to 1 odds, which isn’t great odds. But some die hard Redbird fans like Mike Daluga and Billy Baloney had faith in their team and now Vegas owes them 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 dollars. Vegas is pretty upset about the outcome and it is expected to bankrupt the entire state of Nevada and all the casinos.
Mike Daluga: “I am so freaking happy! This is for Al Bowman and Osiris! For all the Redbirds slamming Natty’s! I have so much money now that I think I will just buy the entire United States and all of Europe and some rockets and missiles and hang.”
To even make March Madness, Illinois State had to win Arch Madness in St. Louis, where Northern Iowa and Wichita State were heavily favored.
Daishon Knight and Reggie Lynch told me that they woke up one morning after smoking some bong hits and were like, “Why don’t we stop smoking for awhile, dominate basketball and win March Madness, get super rich and party like ballers?”
Well they did not lose since they were sober. They made Evansville look like pansies in 1st Round of Arch Madness, then throttled Northern Iowa with some sneaky plays. Their sneak plays involved hiring a fan to look like the other team’s coach and make bad calls on purpose for the other team.
They were rewarded with the 14th seed in March Madness where they made six other teams look like little bitches including Kansas, Arizona, Virginia, Gonzaga, Duke and Kentucky in the finals! Al Bowman is expected to do 69 keg stands in celebration!