I Love Miranda!

The first time I met Miranda at LaVazza was the greatest moment of my life. At one glance, this beautiful goddess stole my heart and took my breath away with her beauty and soul. I was blown away by how absolutely perfect she was and how everything I have looked for my entire life was right in front of my life. She is just the most beautiful angel I have ever had the great fortune to come across and my life is a perfect heaven and everything shines and glimmers more now that I met my curly haired soulmate. She is just such a wonderful and amazing person and is so full of love and she is just my whole world! Miranda is simply the greatest person I’ve ever met and I will love her forever and she is the best part of me! She has made me the happiest man alive! She is my chocolate and coffee lover and my best friend! I’m the luckiest man ever to have met the super lovely Miranda!

 

Advertisements

The Legend of Kemba Walker Part 6

Kemba Walker was super jacked for the task of saving Candy Land. Ever since he was a little toddler, he learned the importance of Candy Land and he did not want to let down the Belgian baker who told him the importance of eating candy. Kemba Walker shape shifted into a hologram of Derek Zoolander and pulled out his AK-47 and was ready.

The wizened and withered old wizard was talking to Kemba about how ISIS and North Korea have been eating all of the candy and this is a problem because they may get diabetes and chocolate stains everywhere. Also, they have been known to pillage and steal stamps.

If there was one type of person Kemba hated more than anyone, it was people who stole stamps. Steam erupted out of Kemba’s ears as he got into a meditative state of anger.

He starting floating down the path and saw all these freaky jelly bean kids singing songs while getting molested by ISIS. It was a brutal and beautiful sight. Kemba summoned the powers of the light god to incinerate ISIS where they blew up nine times in a row and died several times a piece. Kemba then ran over to them and punched them 100 times in the neck killing them again. He then ate the bodies and chugged a milk shake.

An earthquake erupts out of the sky killing the wizard through decapitation. Out of the crevice, a familiar time traveling vampire overlord appeared. “Oh hello Kemba. Thought I lost you said Morgan Freeman. Come with me to Portugal, the Mongolian monks are trying to steal Lancelot’s coffee cup. Then Kemba disappeared.

Leaked Riot Fest 2016 Lineup

Riot Fest Chicago 2016’s lineup has been leaked and it is an amazing lineup. You will want to scoop up tickets fast with this lineup.

Headliners include:

  1. Insane Clown Posse
  2. Marilyn Manson
  3. Nickelback
  4. LFO
  5. BBMAC
  6. Hanson
  7. Creed
  8. Ariana Grande
  9. GWAR
  10. Luke Bryan

 

With some interesting wild cards of:

  1. Evansescense
  2. Enya
  3. Megadeth
  4. Paris Hilton
  5. John Mayer
  6. Rush
  7. Queen
  8. Tove Lo
  9. Simple Plan
  10. Jay Z
  11. Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld
  12. Mick Jagger
  13. David Guetta
  14. Everclear
  15. Oasis

 

Kemba Walker: “Klaby Baby Klabisch” Is my Role Model

In an interview with Kemba Walker, the legendary protagonist of the “Legend of Kemba Walker”, he talks about his motivation and drive.

i-need-some-t8qdux

“All I really want is to be as cool and chill as this chill kid named Klaby in the Midwest. I’m like holy cow, this kid is so chill. It made me realize that I could be chiller and maybe stop aggresively murdering so many people. I had a deep revelation about the world when I first spotted his red hair hidden in a tree and I am like, Wow he is having lots of fun! Sure, I am a baller and do whatever I want and can time travel but I don’t necessarily have lots of fun doing it. I can sometimes be stressed out. But this red headed human was like Hey man, look at this pinecone. So I examined the pinecone and I’m like pinecones are narly. Then he introduced me to Natty Lites and I’m like, where have I been!”

Life would be swell if there were more Klabies in the world. I just want to lay on a hammock and chill now with a beer.

Kemba Walker Falls in Love with a Penguin

South Pole (21:00 CMT) -45C

Kemba Walker was on the lam from the Roman Empire and the Persians. They were hunting him with their whole army, a few million of them, so he decided to lay low for awhile. He hijacked a Viking Nordic ship and set sail to the west. Luckily, the ship was stocked with bourbon, rum, Viking hats and massage chairs. Kemba loved the massage chairs and drinking. Well Kemba is an awful sailman when he is drunk and not at the helm. He veered off course and instead of heading towards some small Italy islands or France, he ended up a million miles off course in Antarctica as he landed in a black whole portal.

He crashed in the snow where the boat blew up in a 500 ft flame that spread for nine hours and 15 minutes.He started walking and soon he came upon a creature that was black and white. A lot like himself. It was waddling. He waddled towards the penguin. Then the penguin looked at Kemba with its bright purple eyes and its eyes glowed in the dark like a sunshine over the Roman Empire. The penguin’s skin was covered in lace and velvet and was wearing a Cowboy hat made from the finest witch doctors. It was wearing a bright pink lipstick and its wings sported a tattoo that said, “Penguin Power”.

peng

Kemba immediately fell in love. Then they started caressing each other’s necks and biting their left ear lobes seductively. The penguin went to the Penguin Store and bought some champagne which they devoured. The penguin wrote in crayon that its name was Yolanda Bo Lana the Penguin. Then Kemba made Yolanda Bo Lana a Souffle out of mud.

Yolanda tried to pick Kemba up to go to dinner but Kemba was 1000 times her weight and failed. They went to the finest German igloo restaurant where they ate bratwursts and lots of wine.

Then they mated and had eight kids who are living in Greenland, Iceland, Antarctica and the South Pole.

Johan the Subtle 2: Prologue

“Hello there Mr. President. I hope you have received my welcome gift”

“What do you want?”

“I think we all know what I want Mr. President! Do not fucking play games with me. I have the cards now. Tread carefully sir.”

“I will not give you what you want! You can rot in hell”

“I already have rotted in hell. Its still better than Cleveland”

“I cannot help you. Now go pester someone else. Its not my problem”

“Yes it is. Until you get me what I want, I will send out the virus that will send the country into a dark age. Then the nukes and dragons will be leashed onto the city, destroying all mankind. I will give you four days for you to get me what I want or I will blow up the world. Once the timer goes down, THEN KABOOOOOOOOOM. And you can only stop the countdown with an Ancient Relic code. Bye bye”

The President took out his hidden phone and called Secretary War General, Armando and told him that it was time to set up a retrieval team for Operation: Bloodhunt. The President hung up and took the crossbow and poison vials from under his desk and drew some coyote blood on his cheeks that he had leftover on his desk. He had to mentally prepare for what he had to do.

He knew that if he didn’t rescue Johan the Subtle from hell, all mankind will be wiped out. Mr. President cleared the 5 foot bong on his desk and finished his bourbon.

 


 

Meanwhile 50 million light years under the Earth’s surface..

Large, horny spider demons were crawling through me, violating my essence. Some of them were racist, rascal spider demons and other would sing Luke Bryan songs which made me want to punch a dead squirrel in the balls. Fuck squirrels and their grannies, copeche ese?

My face was a mangly, melted version than it once was as the lava rock monsters raped the flesh on my face. This was not a fun Disney World Theme park like I thought.

The spider demons evaporated and the itching burning went away. A loud Insane Clown posse started blasting over the loud PA system in an ear splitting level. Children’s toys started singing while covered in blood and mocking me. An old dinosaur Beanie Baby was mocking my life, how I was a failure to mankind while an Etch and Sketch was drawing some graphic shit.

Then they all shattered and ripped apart from a booming shell. Dust caked the room as another blast sounded which broke the dim light bulb in the ceiling. 2 more blasts destroyed the last remaining demonic toys. I was perpetually, puzzled and perplexed.

A wispy, demonic ghost appeared from below brandishing an old shotgun. The demon had a faint hat on his translucent skin and was wearing a fancy suit and tie covered in Scotch stains, tar and marinara sauce. He came over to me and inserted his tendrils in me and whispered his thoughts to me. That he is Demon Ghost Al Capone, big bad mafia guy, who is sent to help break Johan the Subtle out of hell with orders from the head honcho.

Demon Ghost Al Capone was my new best friend. Much better friends already than that traitor Doug and my other backstabbing friends.


 

Gerardo the leprechaun was basking on top of a glorious mountain top, drinking some Pinot Grigio and wearing some killa shades. Gerardo put his dirty feet up on the couch and relaxed. Everything was going his way. Soon the President would meet his demands and he would become the richest and most powerful being in the world.

Gerardo took out his rucksack and rummaged until he found an old box with a dinosaur insignia on the front. The rare dinosaur box was incomplete, it was missing one piece.

Gerardo smoked his crack pipe and put on some Teletubbies and took a nap and dreamed of glory.


 

Alf flew in the war conference room with the other soldiers. Alf was a warrior like his brother was, who was recently killed. He wanted to get revenge for the death of his brother Giant Fly! And Alf had the connections and was even more powerful than his brother. A staff member of the White House called him that Mr. President was going to enter the Operation: Bloodhunt and to be ready and he thanked his guy for the crucial info. Alf is a secret agent house fly and causes destruction. He purposely activates volcanic eruptions so his off shore companies make bank off the calamities. He wreaks havoc everywhere and directly affects political campaigns in Madagascar. Alf was going to make sure Johan the Subtle never escaped Hell. He was not going to let that traitor responsible for his brother’s death escape. Alf threw an expensive against the wall and it shattered into pieces.


 

Meanwhile in a frozen, world far, far away. Blood covered the land and people were in mourning. Vlad the Impaler wore a nice suit made out of llama skin that he killed himself. He was at the funeral for the death of his wife and Johan the Subtle’s mother. It was hard being of charge of the Jewish clowns by himself but he was bloodthirsty as ever. The old former Jewish Clown overlord looked dead, as she was not breathing and was placed in an ornate coffin.

Soon after she was getting ready to be placed in the ground Vlad was sad and wanted revenge. A golden, yellow mouse darted past the people grieiving and dug itself in the dirt and bit the dead Queen’s arm. The mouse blew up instantaneously and a large, giant marshmallow man flew out of a time portal. All of a sudden, The Dead Queen started having more life to her and she woke up. She still looked lifeless but she was not a bloodthirsty Jewish Clown Queen Overlord zombie. She was angry.

Legend of Kemba Walker Part 5

Kemba Walker woke up after blacking out and being snagged. There were a bunch of funny looking elf people around me and staring at him. One of them looked like a lollipop, another looked like a strawberry cake. They were all singing and dancing and eating marshmallows and candy.

The sky was bright purple and it was raining Skittles down on the streets made of Gum Drops. Gummi worms slithered in the streets and Animal Crackers were hissing in the trees. Kemba did not know if he was imagining all of this or if this was real life. A giant clock was in the middle of the sky slowly rotating clockwise and birds started singing Bruno Mars. It then started to rain Twizzlers from the sky which Kemba devoured.

Kemba tried to get up but saw his hands were handcuffed together and his cuffs were made of Butter Cookies and jaw breakers. He tried eating the cookie handcuffs but as soon as he ate it, a new one instantly formed.

After some time, a wizened old Wizard flew down from the sky in a rainbow of chocolate and descended down towards Kemba. He said, “Welcome to Candy Land, we have been waiting for you. We need you to restore the land back to how it was by defeating the Wicked Witch.”

The Stanley Cup Finals: Scarlett Johannsen vs The New York Times

Soulja Boy Tell Em did the Star Spangled Banner

Morgan Freeman, the Spice Girls, Skrillex, John Mayer and Hillary Clinton were in attendance.

As Scarlett and the Times were getting ready to go on the ice for the big game, something shocking happened. Johannsen was disqualified for taking illegal supplements (bath salts and badger tranquilizers) and bit off the necks of the Times. Turns out the Times players were abusing Dayquil. They were gushing blood all over as Scarlett spat out chunks of flesh and started chanting around the field. One of the rules in hockey is not eating other players.

So with Scarlett in prison and the Times dead, there were replacements made for the Finals. Since Lord Voldemort was such a fan favorite and was at the event, he was called into action as well as The Jacksonville Jaguars and Waluigi and Plankton. For first time ever, they were combining multiple teams. It was Lord Voldemort and Waluigi vs Jags and Plankton.

Lord Voldemort and Waluigi were like Starsky and Hutch like Hansel and Zoolander and played great and clean hockey. All of Voldemort’s passes went to Waluigi and vice versa which shows teamwork.

Waluigi and Lord Voldemort are your 2015 Stanley Cup Champions! Buy your Walugi and Voldemort Championship gear today!

The New York Times and Scarlett Johannsen Meet in Stanley Cup Finals

In a shocking manner, the shitty and oddball group of newspaper lovers, New York Times defeated the 69 sweaty illiterate Jaguars. The big reason they won is because black people cannot skate well and there are no black people at the Times.

It turns out Scarlett Johannsen is also a Death Eater and Voldemort’s Death spells did not work on her as she summoned spells of her own to the shock of everyone around.

This will be the first meeting between Scarlett and the New York Times in history and will be a doozy.

Scarlett: “The New York Times are dumb. Who reads newspapers anymore? At least read Penthouse. I need Chipotle”

New York Times: ” WE WILL PLAY OUR HEARTS OFF”